30 10 2021

Have you ever woke up hating yourself for waking up to continue your living? Been there, most of the time, every day for months. But people won't understand how tired I am, with this kind of condition. I know it's not good to wish something bad for your own self, believe me, I don't want to but I can't bear to fight for another day. Here, is the place, and most of it, with people who never reach out their hand to pull me out when I'm drowning and suffocating. 

How I wish there's no tomorrow for me, so I will stop feeling miserable. How I wish I will stop having feelings so there's no more heartache and suffocating of my own feeling that I myself don't understand about it and I wish not to. How I imagine putting myself in somewhere that I can be free with.

I know, some people won't understand how it feels when you can't run and have to swallow whatever you feel that you can't express in words. You can't express it to anyone, even to yourself. I hope people will realize that their actions and words really give an impact on other people especially when they are at their lowest point in life. When die, is their only wish. 

Thank you, to me. Myself. To wake up from this darkness, that I wish I won't ever trap there again. I wish that I will forget about it. Forever. Thank you for myself that I can assure that I will be better, in the future if I ever go out from the place that makes me suffer. 

Thank you Syaza, for your hand and endless support. I owe you, a lot. Thank you for being there, at my darkest moment. 

For my family, I'm sorry that maybe there's a distance between us all for a few months when I try to find myself. But thank you for always being there asking about my well-being and all but forgive me for hiding this. I don't want to worry anyone.

26 years old me, please remember. This day. 

I won this battle. I will reward myself a good life ahead.

Firstly. my resignation. I am free from my -toxic- work life.

Secondly, new job. Good luck for a new life ahead. Stay strong.

I hope and pray that this is a good start for me.